If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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