I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
