i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
