When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
