Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
