I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
