I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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