Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
