I wish I could teleport
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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