Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
