I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
