Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
