All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
