You can't motorboat a personality
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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