I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
