Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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