one two three fourrrrnication!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
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