i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
