i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
