Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
