highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You need a sexual gate keeper
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
