you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
