I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
