Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
