How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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