My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
