i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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