The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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