He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
