Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize