my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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