she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
