I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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