i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
