My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
