I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
