im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
