I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize