My liver just broke up with me...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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