Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
