Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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