there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he thought i was a dude.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
