Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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