Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize