I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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