So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
meet me or not, i'm out of control
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
