Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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