Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
