Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
