would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's blow job season.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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