went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize