Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
