i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
