david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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