well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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