Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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