Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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