you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
