If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
