apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
