It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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