Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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