Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
