I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
