Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
