Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
